A deadly combination: migraine and domestic violence

It happened again. Another member of the migraine community, with a previously wonderful and now abusive partner unable to deal with the disability of migraine, reached out for support over the weekend.

I am always torn when I get those messages and calls. I am utterly unqualified to help. I am triggered by my own memories of DV and trying to escape my abusive mother. But they are a person with migraine in need and thus I have to try to help.

The stories are so identical. “This isn’t what I married.”

Because migraine declines for women so often through the late 20s and early 30s, many are married with children and great careers when migraine attacks ramp up and derail even the best planned lives with great support.

Partners who are suddenly and unexpectedly finding themselves to be full time carers, sole parents and sole income providers all at once of course will crack under the pressure from time to time. They married an amazing, world-beating, force of nature that now lies in a dark room all the time and is always in a bad mood. And because there is almost no support for people with migraine, you better believe there is no support whatsoever for our loved ones.

That’s not to excuse violence. That is to acknowledge and understand its source.

In-laws are often also an additional cause of tension, accusing them of making it up or exaggerating their symptoms, or accusing the person with migraine for everything from being a bad parent to intentionally ruining family events. Parents can also be very hard on children when they are suddenly dropping out of uni or otherwise not following the life plan.

I fundamentally reject the often repeated assertion that domestic violence is somehow caused by disrespect of women by men. I do not believe that domestic violence is gendered, rather that the ‘man beats wife’ situation is more readily believed than other forms of DV. That may be my own bias talking, but that’s how a view it. And in the stories I hear over and over again, there is nearly always a woman causing as much grief in the situation than the offending man – often a mother in law manipulating son, telling them over and over again they should dump the problematic wife and her ‘headaches’. Domestic violence is never simple.

The member of our community who reached out over the weekend was a 62 year old man, who only began having migraine attacks in his late 50s but they have been escalating quickly. His wife, who predictably thinks migraine is just a headache and her husband is making his suffering up, is not dealing well with their primary breadwinner no longer being able to work, and retirement plans disappearing before her eyes. It began with verbal abuse, as it often does, but got worse as the migraine got worse. On being told that he didn’t think he would ever get back to work, and encouraged by her children who are also convinced that dad is making it up to hurt mum, she asked for a divorce and kicked him out.

So now a 62 year old man who can’t work, is dealing with debilitating migraine, and requires care and support, is homeless and alone. The one blessing is that he is no longer trying to avoid his wife’s slaps and various things being thrown at him.

You better believe I felt useless on the other end of that conversation. All I could do was listen and put him in touch with some agencies that might be able to help. He’s couch surfing at a friends place until he can find a place for himself, but that’s pretty hard to do through the fog of chronic migraine.

But when he told me that his wife just kept saying “this isn’t what I married” that I realised his story is no different from the many younger women dumped, divorced or terrorised by former partners that couldn’t deal with the disability of migraine. I have a list of them.

A bloody list.

A whole section in my Migraine Australia notebook for migraine warriors who are dealing with significant domestic violence and abuse. Two that I know of and have tried to help are literally on the run.

For better or for worse. Yeah right.

I know this is not an unusual thing. I know that domestic violence is almost as common as migraine, of course the two are going to overlap. But that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking or frustrating. I’m sure every other chronic disease and disability advocate can tell similar stories. That doesn’t make it ok.

Migraine attacks can make the world very difficult to deal with in many ways. It can make you cranky, depressed, and the tendency to over-react and over-think thinks is hard wired into the hypersensitive migraine brain. That means that domestic violence situations involving someone living with migraine can escalate very quickly. And, because we are used to compensating for our over-reactive brains, we tend to downplay the seriousness of things more than others.

Domestic violence and migraine is a deadly combination. And this is a problem I cannot fix. All I can do is pray that someday we will get an awareness campaign so people can understand migraine, and some real support services for migraine families who are struggling.

---

If you require help with any family or domestic violence issue please reach out to 1800 RESPECT.

If you are a person living with migraine looking for support please start with the Migraine Australia Chat Group on Facebook.

There is also the new Migraine Family and Friends Group for our partners and carers.