Flashback: Two years.

Originally posted April 30, 2014

It has been two years today since I was carted off to hospital with the left side of my body numb.

Two years since I came to redefine fear. Since I faced a threat to my mortality I honestly had no way to fight (as opposed to the one two years prior that I could fight).

A lot has happened in that time. My health has gotten worse, not better. My ability to cope with it has gotten better, not worse.

My love of all things Jewish had grown much stronger over that time… until recently. At this moment, my feeling towards the Jewish world is a bit like a cake left in the oven for too long: could have been so awesome but has been rendered inedible by stupidity. It remains to be seen if the burnt bits can be taken off and the cake salvaged with some creative icing, but it will now never be the joy it could have been in my life.

I know myself better now. That has nothing to do with said faith journey either, but rather the result of facing the darkness alone. There’s something about facing seemingly impossible odds, incredibly scary things, and surviving – without anyone else fixing it for you – that helps you define who you are.

For example, knowing that I can survive bouts of paralysis all by myself without fuss has further empowered me to lock in my decision – originally made years ago – to not pursue marriage and family. That in itself is more an acceptance that family is not in God’s plan for me, but there is still a big moment when you stop looking, when you actively discourage others from suggesting people for you, because you’ve made a life choice and you’re completely 100% confident in it.

Are there moments when I’ve cried for help? Cried not to be enduring this alone? Absolutely, and the friends that have helped me through those moments have been invaluable.

And many of those moments I was crying only to God.

I still don’t know what it is that God wants from me, or why it is that I need to endure this, or WTF this is about. And I accept that I will probably never understand that.

I know I’ve had enough. I want back in the game. I want to go back to work. I want to conquer the world again.

Two years is too long.